The Kaiser Edition

I’ve let my duties as a C.E.O blogger slip, I know I have and I’m sorry. I still feel that this medium offers the best possible channel for a transparent communication between business leaders and employees and I really should do it more. I could, of course, blame The Kaiser - for he keeps changing his mind about where this blog should be - but I won’t. I take full responsibility for my actions. I am, after all compassionate.

To get the ball rolling it’s “Open Deity” time again and last week I gave you the opportunity to ask me, The Lord God Almighty, questions about Christmas. So let’s have a look at what was asked then shall we:

Lauren asked:

Can you take us through that whole immaculate conception thing please? I don’t understand how JC ended up being 2IC, let alone how he even came into being, given that Joseph did not have relations with that woman.

Excellent question young lady, and I can tell you that it’s not only young punky Australian artists who wonder about these things! It’s an old chestnut and one I should have cleared up ages ago.

Think of the immaculate conception as a download if you will, a download of DNA packets. Gabriel, my CTO at the time set up the Main Analogue Receptor and Yield or M.A.R.Y and Joseph fed in the data. You are quiet right about the somewhat cool nature of the relationship between Joseph and the MARY, Mary was, after all a machine, and the story that you find in the old testament is a bit of weak marketing that we’re still paying the price for to this day.

Grant The sceptic asked:

Can you clarify the deal between yourselves and Father Christmas? Is he an employee (St Niklaus), a spin off renegade trading on your patch, or is it more of a U2-iPod type creative licensing deal? Who owns primary rights on iconic trademarks such as white beard (or is that Coca-Cola’s)? Is the deal, if there is one, limited to certain territories and do you have expansion plans in the crucial Indian and Chinese markets (that Christ in India movie looks like a clever repositioning btw). Apologies if this already covered in the archives… :J

Grant, Grant, Grant… you’re in marketing aren’t you? Father Christmas is a made up character. You’ll be telling me you believe in the tooth fairy next. Dreamer.

NP asked:

Did you tell Sextus Julius Africanus to spread the word that your son’s birthday was December 25th since you forgot to get them to put in the bible? If so, that doesn’t make you very omnipotent does it?

On the other hand, if you wanted to keep his real birthday a secret and make December 25th like the Queen’s birthday, why? And does the Holy Ghost have a birthday too?

Feisty questions here from the northern planner, but what would you expect of a man who constantly pours hot tea over his private parts? Jesus’ birthday is on February 30th but due to fiscal reporting problems we need to change the old calendar and we went for the end of December. It’s a quiet at that time of year you see - because it’s Christmas. Purely a bookkeeping thing NP. Nothing more and nothing less and as for Sextus; never heard of the man but you really can’t expect me to be involved, or have knowledge of who my senior management hires and fires, surely? I know I’m God, but there are limits to being omnipresent you know. Now put the kettle on and purge your vile flesh.

Taishan asked:

I guess the earth always moves for you, God, but did Mary have a mind-blowing orgasm, too?

Taishan, I’ve had my eye own you for a while now and think it maybe time to get you out of Hong Kong. M.A.R.Y., as I have explained above was a machine and therefore didn’t have a mind, but it did shake a little and make a beeping noise when Jesus popped out. Bless him.

So there we go. I hope that was helpful. If you have any other questions regarding Christmas just pop them in the comments and I’ll do my best to answer them.

Bless you all.
The Lord God Almighty.

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